In the Midst

It is a constant battle for me to keep my needs in check in my marriage. I sometimes go weeks and months concentrating on what needs of mine are not being met. What "biblical" things I believe are not being full filled. This self obsession is not only destructive to me, but my entire family and gives free reign to the enemy to keep me from my objective.
Regardless of what we think we deserve, the truth is selfish ambition is not God's plan for our lives. Period. We often define selfish ambition as getting to the top of an organization, ministry or job, but the selfish ambition in our homes, in my opinion, is so much more damaging. It begins a cycle of blame and self pity that often leads to divorce.
Pride is the root. Pride which is a complete contradiction to Jesus. We wallow all day in self pity, then have our guns drawn when our spouses walk in. We may not meet him with a list of he things we feel we have been wronged in, but we utilize each and every opportunity to make sure he knows where he has failed to do his job-
Often this stems from situations where we have been wronged. In my own marriage I have battled extreme insecurity due to poor decisions and addictions that my husband has made or had. I wear these insecurities at times as a breastplate of self righteousness. Like I deserve to hold to my bitterness and anger because i have been humiliated and wronged. The idea on these days of winning my husbands heart and favor is laughable at best. These are the self pity days that put me on my crazy-go-round and blind me from my true battle. These are the days that Ephesian 6 is a distant memory squashed by the bitterness and pride that says I deserve more-
I was humbled by an article that a wise friend of mine sent me which propelled me to do an in-depth study of Queen Esther. We have all read the story, but have we applied it to our lives? or do we see it as not relevant? I will be blogging my parallel of what I believe is so applicable as wives that have suffered insecurity in marriage due to the bondage of lust. I will weave my own experiences through this incredible journey of a woman unlike anyone else in the bible. God has audibly spoken to me with her story, and I want to share what He reveals in hopes to help you get to the ultimate plan designed for your life.